Mental Health
How to Support Children’s Mental Health: An Age-by-Age Guide
This helpful guide explores how you can support children’s mental health, offering parents and caregivers practical tips on how to initiate honest, non-judgmental conversations. It’s split into age categories, with tailored age-appropriate advice that can be built on as children grow up and face different challenges.
Mental Health and Children: An Overview
What is mental health?
The Mental Health Foundation defines mental health as how we’re feeling inside, or our emotional state. It’s something everyone has, including babies and children. As we grow older, we can develop a better understanding of how our mental health impacts our overall wellbeing. But even if children can’t initially make this connection, it’s still important to support their mental health from the beginning. How a child experiences their formative years can have a significant and profound effect on their sense of safety and ability to thrive in adulthood, when having good mental health “enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realise their abilities, learn and work well, and contribute to their community”, according to the World Health Organization.
An Age-by-Age Guide to Supporting Children’s Mental Health
Newborn to one year old
The mental health of babies is deeply tied to the bonds they form with their caregivers. They rely on these connections to feel safe and start to understand the world around them, communicating their needs through crying, cooing and facial expressions, and thriving when caregivers respond with warmth. A nurturing environment like this helps to foster a sense of trust and security.
Building a secure attachment bond
A key factor in the way a baby’s brain develops is attachment. Attachment is the bond between a baby and their primary caregiver, although they can form attachments with more than one caregiver.
You can build a secure attachment bond by:
- Keeping them close, holding them, smiling at them, and talking to them, even if they can’t understand what you’re saying yet
- Responding to your baby’s cues and soothing them
- Copying their facial expressions
- Mimicking their noises and making noises back to them
- Singing songs to them
- Playing games like peek-a-boo
- Reading a book to them
It’s okay if you don’t always understand what your baby needs – in fact, it’s impossible to get it right 100% of the time. The important thing is that you’re there and they know you’re giving them care and attention.
Attachment bonds and foster parents
Babies in foster care have had the attachment bond with their birth families disrupted. Foster parents can follow the advice above to help them feel secure and cared for. Establishing routines, such as regular feeding and bedtime schedules, provides a sense of predictability that is especially important for babies who may have experienced instability.
One to three years old
Children aged between one and three years old are in a fascinating stage of rapid growth and development. This period, often referred to as the toddler years, is marked by significant milestones in physical, emotional, social, and cognitive development. In terms of mental health, they start to experience big emotions but lack the skills to regulate them, which can lead to outbursts. Emotional labelling can help them start to learn how to manage their feelings. Many toddlers experience separation anxiety, especially between one and two years old, as they develop strong attachments to caregivers.
Emotional labelling
Emotional labelling is the process of identifying and describing emotions in ourselves and others. It involves recognising feelings such as happiness, sadness, anger, fear or excitement and associating them with different words and expressions. This is a skill children can learn from a young age that will benefit them throughout their lives, as it helps them to better understand, regulate and communicate their emotions.
For children aged one to three, emotional labelling is a developmental milestone. They’ll need help from you to understand their emotions, as they can’t yet process them the way adults do. (Think of the so-called ‘terrible twos’ – tantrums happen when a child feels a strong emotion and doesn’t know how to handle it.) The process starts by recognising and naming emotions, so they can go on to learn how to manage them as they get older.
How to teach your child emotional labelling
- 1. Name emotions as they arise throughout the day. These can be your child’s emotions, your emotions, or the emotions of their friends or family members. For example: “You’re smiling, you must be happy to see Grandma”. You can also use stories, play and other activities to name emotions – for example, many books for children talk about how a character is feeling and how they’re acting because of it. This helps children recognise different emotions and how they’re linked to different facial expressions and actions.
- 2. Be curious, empathetic and accepting, showing your child that you’re paying attention to what they’re trying to express. Responses from adults, especially caregivers, can influence how children deal with their emotions, so create a safe space for them.
- 3. Find a balance between giving children the chance to talk about how they feel and setting boundaries, being sure to explain why certain behaviours aren’t acceptable. For example: “I can see you’re upset because your toy broke, but you shouldn’t throw it across the room in case you hurt someone.” This teaches them to follow rules and regulate their emotions.
The benefits of emotional labelling
Children learn:
- How to self-regulate. Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behaviour, how you react to your own emotions, and how you react to what’s happening around you.
- How to accept different emotions, process them, and express their experiences in an appropriate way.
- To become resilient. Some emotions aren’t easy to experience, but by understanding them children can bounce back after feeling frustrated or disappointed, for example. It makes emotions more manageable.
- How to communicate their feelings and needs with parents and caregivers.
- To empathise with others and understand how their actions affect the people around them.
- To control their impulses, get along with others, and behave in a way that’s safe and considerate.
By fostering emotional labelling in early childhood, parents and caregivers equip children with essential tools for emotional and social development, setting them up for healthier relationships and better emotional wellbeing throughout life.
Emotional labelling and foster parents
Every child will need help learning to identify and manage their emotions, but this is especially true of children who have additional challenges, such as being in foster care. Foster parents can play a crucial role in helping their foster children develop emotional labelling skills, especially since many foster children may not have had consistent emotional guidance in their early years.
- Model emotional labelling for them. For example: “I’m excited because we’re going to the park together.”
- Label their feelings too, and validate them. For example: “You look sad because your toy broke. It’s okay to feel that way.”
- Create a safe, predictable and nurturing environment. While this is important for all children, foster children may have experienced trauma or instability, which can make expressing their feelings more difficult, and uncertainty more distressing. Be patient and gentle – they’re more likely to open up about their emotions if they feel secure.
- Use visual aids and tools. A “feelings wheel” or “mood meter” can help children identify how they feel.
- As they get older, you can pair emotional labelling with coping techniques. For example: “You’re feeling angry. Let’s take some deep breaths together to calm down.”
Separation anxiety
What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety in children is a developmental stage where a child experiences distress or fear when separated from their primary caregiver. It is most common between six months and three years of age and is a normal part of emotional development, as children learn to feel secure even when their caregiver is not physically present.
Why does separation anxiety happen?
According to the NHS, separation anxiety happens once a child realises how dependent they are on their primary caregiver and anyone else who regularly looks after them.
What are the signs of separation anxiety?
- Crying, becoming distressed or having a tantrum when a caregiver leaves.
- Following a caregiver everywhere or refusing to let go of them.
- Fear of people they don’t know.
- Struggling to fall asleep unless a caregiver is present.
- Waking up regularly to check a caregiver is close by.
- Stomach aches or headaches in the lead-up to separation.
- Refusing to play when a caregiver is gone.
How can parents and caregivers deal with separation anxiety?
It can be difficult to leave your child when they’re upset, even if you need to. Here are some things that can help.
- Remind yourself that separation anxiety is natural and a sign of the bond between you. Over time, they’ll learn that sometimes you need to leave them, but they’ll be safe while you’re gone, and you’ll come back.
- When they’re old enough to understand, you can tell them where you’re going and when you’ll be back. This will help them see that sometimes you have to do other things and this is a normal part of life.
- Build up to longer separations. Start small, leaving your child with someone they’re comfortable with while you go on a short errand, and then slowly increase the time.
- Make sure they have a favourite toy or book with them while you’re gone. Something comforting and familiar will soothe them.
- Tell them what you’ll do when you come back. This gives them something to look forward to and shows that you’re thinking of them beyond your absence.
- Be happy when you say goodbye. Children are very perceptive and can pick up on it if you feel worried, which then makes them feel uneasy. Saying goodbye in a positive way and then coming back and being pleased to see them again is another way of showing them that separation is a normal part of life.
Separation anxiety and foster parents
Separation anxiety can affect many children in foster care. It can be difficult to deal with, because they can’t yet return to their birth family, but foster parents can help toddlers feel cared for by providing a safe space where they’re treated as a fully integrated member of the family. This builds trust.
Four to nine years old
Children between the ages of four and nine see a rapid growth in their ability to understand and express feelings. During this time, they begin to develop a stronger sense of self, form deeper social connections, and deal with more complex emotions like empathy, frustration and pride. They’re highly sensitive to their environment, including family dynamics, school pressures and peer relationships. This is the period to build coping skills, providing positive reinforcement, emotional validation and a stable, nurturing environment so they can foster resilience and self-esteem.
Building coping skills
Continued open communication about feelings can help to set the foundation for lifelong emotional wellbeing, and a significant part of that is building coping skills. Coping skills are strategies you can use to manage feelings and stress. They’re something that everyone learns, and it’s never too early (or too late) to start.
Coping skills and strategies can be split into different categories:
- Active: any form of movement, like going for a walk, running, dancing, star jumps, using a skipping rope, playing with a ball in the garden or doing some yoga stretches.
- Relaxing: taking deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth, thinking of a peaceful place, listening to calm music, reading a book, blowing bubbles, sitting quietly outside or drinking some cold water.
- Social: playing games with family or friends, cuddling or playing with a pet, reading a book or watching something together, calling a friend or relative, sharing feelings with someone you trust.
- Creative: journaling, drawing, painting, colouring, making up a song or poem, making up a game, playing an instrument or playing with toys like Lego or building blocks.
- Mindset: thinking of something you’re grateful for, thinking of something positive, thinking of a happy memory or thinking of something that makes you laugh.
You can teach children to use these coping methods by:
- Making sure you’re both calm and happy when you bring them up. It’s easier for children to learn and remember when they’re not upset.
- Giving them a few different options. Every child is different and so it’s natural they’ll lean more towards some coping methods than others.
- Suggesting some coping methods that are already part of your child’s routine. If they’re already a fan of reading, for example, then picking up a book is something you know they’ll enjoy and take comfort from.
- Showing how you use them yourself. For example, if you find yourself getting frustrated, take some deep breaths to calm down. Children copy the behaviours they see.
Coping skills and foster parents
Children in foster care may have experienced trauma. Giving them a safe space with predictable routines means they’ll be in a stable environment where they can start to heal. In addition to encouraging the coping skills listed above, praise any small steps forward, and give them the chance to make decisions where appropriate. This creates a sense of control and can help them develop healthy personal boundaries.
10 to 12 years old
10 to 12 year-olds are often known as pre-teens, as they transition from childhood to adolescence. During this time, they experience significant physical, emotional and social changes that can impact their mental health. We’re focusing on two key issues: self-esteem and stress levels.
Navigating self-esteem issues and stress
Self-esteem issues
Self-esteem is someone’s sense of personal worth or value. A healthy level of self-esteem means a person feels confident, competent and secure in themselves. Low self-esteem can emerge at this age, as pre-teens deal with:
- Social pressures. Friendships become more complex as they seek acceptance from their peers. They may face bullying, exclusion or pressure to fit in.
- Forming their identity. They begin to explore their interests, values and sense of self, which can lead to self-doubt, especially when they compare themselves to others – both their peers and people on social media.
- Mental health challenges. Anxiety and low mood can emerge, but pre-teens might not have the language to describe their struggles in those terms.
Signs of low self-esteem include:
- Saying negative things about themselves or about things they’ve done
- Comparing themselves unfavourably to others
- Withdrawing from social situations and activities
- Avoiding new experiences
- Being anxious about mistakes
Parents and caregivers can build confidence by celebrating achievements, even small wins, and supporting their pre-teen’s interests and hobbies. Avoid overly critical or dismissive remarks – make sure they know you’re on their side, and that it’s okay to find things difficult sometimes, or for things not to go as planned. Continue to provide a space where your child can talk about their feelings without judgment, gently pushing back when they’re harsh about themselves and their abilities. And, above all, remember that consistent love, patience and reassurance remind them that their worth isn’t tied to external validation.
Stress
Stress is a normal part of life, albeit not a welcome one, so learning to deal with it in a healthy way is important. Pre-teens are likely to see an increase in stress levels for a number of reasons:
- Schoolwork becomes more demanding. They may feel pressure to perform well, leading to anxiety or feelings of inadequacy.
- Family dynamics change. They seek more independence, which can cause conflict with parents and caregivers.
- Hormonal shifts can set in. These can lead to mood swings, heightened emotions and increased sensitivity.
One way you can help them deal with stress is to create a healthy routine. Things like going to bed and waking up at the same time each day, eating nutritious meals and doing physical activity can reduce stress levels and the frequency of panic attacks, because knowing what to expect helps children feel safe. Don’t forget to factor in time to relax and sleep. You can also continue to expand on the coping skills from the previous section – pre-teens may find it easier to sit still and try some breathing exercises than younger children, for example.
If stress continues or seems overwhelming, consider speaking to your child’s GP or a mental health professional such as a counsellor for additional support.
Foster parents, self-esteem and stress
Pre-teens in foster care experience the same troubles as other children their age, but with the addition of a more complicated background that may include instability, abuse or neglect. This can cause low self-esteem. Foster parents can help to improve their pre-teens’ self-esteem by offering unconditional love, helping them work towards their goals (in school and out), praising them for the effort they put in, and recognising positive things they’ve done. It can take time, but this consistent support can go a long way.
13+ years old
Teenagers face a whirlwind of changes and challenges, as this is the period where they transition from adolescence to adulthood. These challenges often build on the ones they’ve faced as pre-teens, like academic and social pressures, with the addition of hormonal changes that can affect mood and behaviour. Teenagers also grapple with identity formation, questioning who they are and where they belong, and are more likely to make risky decisions.
Social media literacy and promoting autonomy
Promoting autonomy
Promoting autonomy in teenagers is a balance between giving them guidance and allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions:
- Continue to communicate in an open, judgment-free way.
- Gradually give them more responsibility over things like managing their routine, making decisions about after-school activities, and handling a budget.
- Respect and acknowledge their preferences, interests and goals, even if they’re different to your own.
- Teach them how to solve problems and make decisions by discussing the potential outcomes and helping them weigh pros and cons, instead of simply telling them what to do.
- Set clear boundaries and consequences for breaking them. You can ask for their input on what they think is reasonable and figure out some of these rules together. Make sure you’re consistent so they know the consequences will happen.
- Celebrate their successes and reinforce positive moments.
- Frame mistakes as opportunities for learning. Wait until they’re calm, then start a conversation by asking them what they can do in response to the mistake. This helps them figure out how to deal with it, but with you there for support.
Social media literacy
Social media is a normal part of life for many of us and that includes teens. And while it’s a great way of staying in touch with friends and following things that interest us, it also has its downsides. Social media can increase feelings of inadequacy as teenagers compare themselves to others, and may cause fear of missing out (FOMO) – feeling like others are having fun without them. They may also feel like they have to present themselves a certain way online.
It’s best to address social media use head on. Talk frankly about the risks of social media and how to deal with them, such as strangers trying to reach out, cyberbullying, and how anything you post online is available forever. Sit down with your teen to create a plan: how much time per day can they spend on social media? Are there places in your home where no one can use their devices, like at the table during mealtimes? Which platforms are they allowed to use? Work together to set some rules and review them as your teen grows up.
Foster parents, autonomy, and social media literacy
Teenage foster children are sometimes treated like they’re adults by the people around them, even though they’re still children. Foster parents need to strike a balance between encouraging more independence as they get older, while still protecting them and helping them to learn from any mistakes.
Social media presents extra challenges, because foster families have limits around what they can post online. This is because both foster parents and foster children may be targeted by people who want to target the vulnerable. Keep your own profiles private and difficult to find, and make sure foster children are educated about the positives and pitfalls of the internet. An open dialogue makes it easier for everyone to stay safe.
Supporting Young Minds
From the early years of building secure attachments to navigating the complex social worlds of school-age children, our proactive support of children’s mental health is crucial. Creating an environment of open communication, emotional validation and unconditional love forms the bedrock of their wellbeing and shows that mental health is prioritised and protected.
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